Reaching 40: Time, Place & Acceptance
As I pass a milestone birthday, I ponder the last 40 years. I'm faced with some hard questions, but overall, an acceptance that we journey forward, celebrating being here, in this place, at this time.
As we approach, and then pass, ‘milestone’ birthdays, I think it’s more than a little natural to look back and to ponder. I think that in my 40 years, a milepost I passed in December 2023, I’ve spent a lot of time looking back and pondering. Perhaps as the years pass, these ponderings become more acute, deep, and maybe even wistful. Anyone who’s been following my Substack journey will have read some of these, so I make no apology for this slightly deeper, and indeed, lengthier post.
‘Wisdom comes with age’
So says the proverb. When I was fairly newly-born, my grandparents were heard to have remarked that I was “wise beyond my years”. In retrospect, doesn’t that sound frightfully dull? Imagine being an old ‘fuddy duddy’ before your 5th birthday?! Actually, looking back, I think I have been blessed with a certain degree of wisdom in my life. It was remarked upon fairly recently that I’m the person in a meeting who will, eventually, say out loud what everyone else is thinking but not prepared to say. It’s true. Not in a nasty way, but because I think I have been blessed with the ability to stand back and see the bigger picture, observing quietly from the sidelines.
If I spent the first 25 years of my life waiting in the wings, I think I’ve spent the last 15 poking my head a little further around the edge. At school, my drama report was always the same:
‘David works well in his quiet fashion’
Yes, I did. I was quiet, and generally, I worked hard. I’m the person who’s going to beaver away quietly in the background to get the job done. My interest in drama wasn’t acting; I had that sapped out of me before I reached secondary school. I was the first person at the school to ever choose the ‘technical route’ for both GCSE Drama and A-Level Theatre Studies, and I immersed myself in everything backstage: set design, costume, make-up, lighting and props. I had my first experience of working backstage when I was in my first year at secondary school. We produced Terry’s Tramp, a play about a socially-aware teenager who wishes to help the disadvantaged. After the play, my drama teacher wrote me a card which I still have, and which read:
‘Your assistance has been invaluable during the preparation period, and performance for ‘Terry’s Tramp’. I was impressed by your calm and confident approach in all you did and wish to thank you wholeheartedly for the part you played in our success. When I next produce a play, you will be the first person I shall ask for help.’
I don’t think I ever felt entirely confident, but I did, in the main, possess the ability to remain calm. There was a job which needed doing, and I was prepared to get on and do it, even if it was in my ‘quiet fashion’.
Reaching this great age of 40 brings mixed emotions. Firstly, I’m still here, an achievement in itself. Secondly, it’s not easy to avoid the inevitable and hard questions which permeate one’s mind, the ‘what ifs’, they ‘whys’ and the ‘if onlys’. I think these are very natural questions to feel at different stages of our life, and for all the motivational quotes and sage advice we share, I think that anyone who doesn’t, from time to time ponder these, is telling fibs.
In many respects, it’s easy to look back and to wonder what the point of it all was. What do I have to show for the past 40 years? Of course, the biggest trap of all is the comparison trap. We all fall into this from time to time. That’s life. There’s nothing you can do about it other than to weather the ride. We look at others and wonder what they did which we didn’t; why have they made it and we haven’t?
In some ways, these are silly questions. The idea that some people make it, and we don’t, is only worth considering if we had any idea where we were trying to make it to in the beginning. With a certain degree of melancholy, I could wonder why, at the age of 40, I don’t have enough money to buy my own house, why I don’t have enough money to support others in the way I might like, why I seem to work so hard, yet have so little to show for it, and the list goes on. We could simply ignore these questions, pass them off with a “what nonsense” and seek out the next positive quote to help us on our way, but I think we do ourselves a disservice by not sitting with these hard, but inevitable questions which come to mind.
What I have learnt over the past 40 years is that it’s very easy, far easier than we think, to apply a metaphorical sticking plaster to our lives. Somehow, we find many ways to cover up the realities. We often wear our masks with pride. It’s all about keeping up appearances. These things aren’t reality, and as a society, I don’t think we talk about them enough. We might not be able to solve all the challenges life throws at us, but we can share them.
When I look back, I realise how many things I’ve done in my life. I think of the wonderful opportunities, the amazing people, the beautiful experiences, and the special memories. The list would be endless. Yes, they haven’t led to pots of money, to bricks and mortar, to a high-flying career, or any of the other things which society tells us we need in order to be successful. I don’t sit with those questions any the less, but we all need that reminder from time to time of how far we’ve come.
So, as I look back, and ponder something of my own experience of life’s journey over the past 40 years, what can I take from it? I can’t promise swathes of wisdom, but perhaps at least six words which spring to mind:
Time
Time is a strange thing. It’s easy to say there isn’t enough time, but one of the things I’ve learnt over the years is that different sorts of time are needed for different things. There might be enough time, but it might not be the right sort of time. The sort of time I need to be creative, to compose, to write freely and to paint, is very different to the sort of time I need to do my accounts each weekday morning. We’re told there’s plenty of time if we make time. I think reality is a bit different, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for the occasional foray into the world of ‘not enough time’. I’ve always done things in my own time. It might take longer than everyone else, but I will get there in the end.
Energy
I was born tired. Mum has always told me this. Every morning, I wake up, and I’m tired. “Is it bedtime yet?” I ask at the breakfast table. I go to bed in the evening, and guess what, I’m tired. I’ve probably been tired on every hour of the rest of the day. It’s just me. One thing I have learnt is that our energy is precious. The levels of energy we have are affected by so many things, but more often and not, by people. In the past, I gave my energy to people who took far more than they should. I allowed them to, and I learnt the hard way. In my quest to give of myself, I allowed myself to be taken advantage. Preserve your energy levels at all costs, because by doing this, you can give of your best to those who matter most, those who cherish and value it. I’m still learning this, it’s a journey. Perhaps you are too?
Acceptance
Acceptance comes in many forms - acceptance of self, acceptance of others, acceptance of the journey, and acceptance of situation. It’s true, we shouldn’t always be willing accept, but nevertheless, much of what happens in our lives is not within our control. There are times when yes, we need to fight against that, but there also times when a calm sense of reflection and acceptance is needed. There are some things we can’t change. We can’t predict where the journey will take us, but we can do all we can to accept and enjoy the ride. Meet people where they are, and they will do the same for you.
Community
I’ve always been acutely aware of a sense of community, not necessarily a neighbourhood or physical location, but a group of people who share common aims, values and interests. Our lives are intertwined with more communities than we could ever begin to imagine. Our paths cross, people come and go, but communities, change as they do, often remain central. We are often told to surround ourselves with people who are in our ‘tribe’. I’m not keen on the word, but the sentiment holds true. There are a lot of people in the world, and reality says we’re never going to get on with them all. It’s OK to have small communities, a small group of friends, just a handful of those who will truly share the journey with you.
Achievement
This is one of my most hated words, so it’s surprising that even I’m guilty of using it from time to time. To me, it’s such a hollow word. We live in an achievement-led society, and it starts from the youngest possible age. People are divided up quickly: those who achieve, and those who don’t. Achievements, whether they be careers, jobs or qualifications, are displayed everywhere we look. These are, of course, valuable things for some people, but can we really define the word ‘achievement’, any more than we can define the word ‘success’? Some days, it’s an achievement to open one’s eyes, get out of bed, and face the world. Life is about so much more than these so-called successes and achievements.
Trust
One of the things which has struck me most as I look back on the past 40 years is that however hard it was to accept in the moment, I was nearly always where I needed to be at that time point in time. These times and places weren’t defined or engineered by me, they were simply there. Even if it’s taken a long time, I think I’ve come to trust that at any given moment, we’re just where we need to be at that time and in that place, physically, mentally and soulfully. I think that trusting in that goes hand in hand with acceptance.
None of this is easy. If it was, we’d have had it all sorted years ago. As we all look back at various times in our lives, we might think:
What if I’d done that differently?
How might things have turned out if I’d made a different decision?
Why did I choose to do that instead of…?
Things would have been so much better if…
We can only do the best we can with what we have, where we are and what we know at any given point in time. These questions are all in the past, because right now, here we are, trusting in where we need to be in body, mind and soul in the present. We can only ever be where our feet are. As you read this, it will have already passed into time. What was the present, is now the past.
Journey forward, and celebrate being here, right now, in this place, at this time.
Thank you for being here.
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Thoughful reflections, beautifully written, wise words ... and I recognised myself in so much of what you wrote. Thanks for this post, David! 🌿
What beautifully written retrospective. Really enjoyed reading. How important it is for us to pause and reflect! 🪶